Texts to send after a first date

Relatively speaking, the “date” part of a first date is the easy stuff. It’s the post-date communication that is so hard to figure out.

David Ezell, the clinical director of Darien Wellness, a counseling and mental wellness group in Connecticut, conducts dating workshops and told me that “the topic of texting has risen sharply over the past five years.” It seems easier for each participant in the date to keep the conversation going from a distance, using a keyboard rather than live, spoken communication. Ezell continued, “Dating is as much a sales game as anything.” His take on post-date texting is that “too much communication from one party can be intimidating.”

Meanwhile, April Davis, relationship expert, certified life coach, and CEO of LUMA Luxury Matchmaking, reminded us that “texting causes a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings because it is hard to read or interpret emotion through text.”

Yikes! So, what do you say, and how do you text after the first date? You need to be aware that there is no set formula or exact science, because there is an infinite amount of first date scenarios. And no, you are not the only one with anxiety over what texts to send after an initial date. If the date was great and you want a second, you can carefully craft your communication in cute fashion. If it was awful but you don’t want to be ignorant and not respond, you can still let ’em down easy. You can also get to date two even if date one was “meh” based on calculated post-date transmissions.

Here are the perfect texts to send after the first date, depending on how well things went.

When the first date is amazing and you want to see him or her again but don’t want to seem too eager, it is essential to play it safe and express your excitement without going overboard and scaring the other person away with your zealousness. Comedian Billy Procida, host of The Manwhore Podcast, which tackles issues of dating, sexuality, and relationships, admitted to me, “I hate the ‘playing it cool’ tactic. If you’re excited, then seem excited! You can seem excited and not like a crazypants. So, to play it safe, keep it short.” He also recommended adding a favorite emoji at the end of the above-referenced text for additional expressiveness. He finished, “If you can express the entire date in emojis, do it. End with a happy girl or boy emoji followed with some hands in the air.”

When the first date is good but you don’t want to dive right in or appear overly interested because you are easing back into dating, or because you aren’t looking for something too serious yet, Procida recommends suggesting an afternoon meet up for the second date and for very specific reasons. “They take the pressure off of ‘going home together,’ but can still be plenty cute and successful,” he said. “A fun day at the museum still presents itself with opportunities for a ‘Don’t worry, this is going well’ kiss without the anxiety of ‘When do I tell him we’re not going to have sex tonight?'”

He suggested the above text as the “base,” but dress it up a little with an enticing, daytime date recommendation. Procida encouraged adding something that reveals your interests, such as, “I know this cool exhibit/coffee shop/park/antique roadshow that specializes in Honey Boo Boo memorabilia I’ve been wanting to check out and would love for you to come with!”

When the first date was amazing but you want to pace yourself, this short but sweet text is the best way keep the other person interested, according to Melissa Divaris Thompson, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in New York City. The note shows the recipient that you are in-demand and have a life outside of your romantic relationships, potential or otherwise. It also puts some time and space between the first date and gives you both something to look forward to, since you’ve clearly set the table for another meet up.

Dating and relationships expert Alison Blackman recommends mentioning a specific activity you may have discussed while on the first date as grounds to generate a second if you really dig the other person. If you talked about seeing the latest Marvel movie, bring it up and use it as a launch pad to turn the shared desire to see a film into the reason to see each other again. It’s also a subtle way to demonstrate to the other person that you have been thinking about them and the prior outing. It shows you were paying attention and may have shared passions and interests, which could lead to a third, fourth, or fifth date.

If it was a fab debut date and you are already crushing, it’s time to hit the flirt button. Davis told me, “Remember to flirt! If you don’t flirt, they might not get the hint that you’re interested.” You don’t need to lay it on too thick, because that can erase some of the excitement and the mystique. But you don’t want to come off chilly or disinterested, either. So, be flirtatious with a sexy text like the one suggested above. It’s just the right mix of playful, naughty, and adorable.

If you can’t tell how he or she felt about the date or about you, this complimentary text can help you get a better read on them, all the while being clear about what you think and felt. “If he/she responds with something positive about you, it’s likely they are pretty interested,” Seiter explained. “If he or she just says thanks, they are probably not that interested.” It’s as though you are pumping for information by pumping with information. It’s a subtle, psychological tactic, but it could and should work in your favor as long as you send it out into the textverse with confidence.

Whether the date was terrific or just OK, Needle suggested being blunt and cute with a text like this if you are looking for that decidedly less awkward second date with this person. It acknowledges the innately awkward nature of the first date, which Procida also advocates doing, and shows that you are well aware of it. It’s also incredibly, but not disarmingly, direct. It lets your potential mate know exactly where you stand. Why beat around the bush?

While you might argue that there is no reason to send a text if the first date was a bomb, you can still be a polite human being. If this crappy, dud of a first date ended on a positive note, with both of you promising to keep in touch because you are both cool people with common interests (even though you don’t want to pursue romance), you can say this to soften the blow. Rejection is awkward, as Thompson pointed out. But if you want to keep in contact, here’s how to convey that without leading the other person on about the dating stuff.